shes wearing a jean skirt, its frayed. i got this
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
Randomize
