I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
Did I show you my penis last night?
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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