walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
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