The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
I should also mention that having been a sheltered child, I am conditioned to have serious kinks and find upper bodies of either sex attractive. And legs.
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
Randomize
