Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
this is two weekends in a row I've been the pantsless girl at the party. I love my social life.
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
I yelled at your uterus for you.
That 2-CB was ass.
You mean the asprin cut with pez?
Randomize
