Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
Got into the physics lab with my student id, hooked up over break when school was closed. I regret no payments for tuition.
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
Randomize