true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
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