Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Randomize
