when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
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