My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
Randomize
