I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
I would reevaluate a bf who is happy with other guys doing me.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
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