Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
Her life must suck. All she's got is "Miss Shamrock" WHICH SHE LOST!
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
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