OKAY SO WHENEVER I SEE AN UGLY COUPLE I ALWAYS WONDER WHAT THEY SAY TO EACH OTHER IN BED. creepy?
I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
Randomize
