Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
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