i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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