I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
Randomize
