I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
can a guy be partially circumsized? cause i dont exactly know what i was lookng at...
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
Randomize
