just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
Randomize
