Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
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