that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
I'm gonna play a drinking game called "Sarah takes the train"
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
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