I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Randomize
