Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
I kinda realized titty fucking is purely for our enjoyment, they dont really get much out of it, except for a guy sitting on them and and a dick bouncing of their chin
Randomize
