no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Randomize
