dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
i just saw a white kid with an afro using a martini shaker as a coffee thermos. go college.
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
Randomize
