What did we do last night that was yellow?
If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize
