I am so gay it hurts my loins. Going to see She's Just Not That Into You... again. Ohhh my goodness.
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
Randomize
