I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
so, what part of "he's slept with a guy" do you not understand?
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
Edward fifth and chaser hands
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
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