Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
Randomize
