I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
dizzyuy bat. 3.453 lkos. hoit sx, now im single. blackouteed
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Randomize