i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
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