South Carolina's governor once cited "moral legitimacy" when he was a congressman voting for President Bill Clinton's impeachment. Karma is a bitch.
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize
