dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM
Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?
wait... oh
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
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