why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
Randomize
