He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
