Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
I've decided to only have meaningless sex from now on.
And what brought this epiphany?
I've decided it's a lot easier to have dirty amazing sex with someone when you don't care about the other person or what they think of you. I'm going to test this theory soon. Will update you later
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
Randomize
