hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
Randomize
