The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
why does my vagina smell like weed?
omg thats a great idea
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
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