She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
Well, he sent me "techno kitty adventure" about 10 minutes ago. So, he could be anywhere.
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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