Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
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