Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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