I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
Randomize
