and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
Randomize
