If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
of course. lets lasso hookers.
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Randomize
