I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Randomize
