you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
Randomize
