nut hugger
I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
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