I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
Randomize
