And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
her name is jenna, so i wanna cunt punt her
that's how i am about ashleys and britneys
i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
All three roommates are gay and in women's studies. Ive already been informed that all penetration is rape. This is not the college experience I signed up for.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
