He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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