I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
can u get pink eye on your cock?
Operation Purity has been aborted
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
When did we convert life to cartoon?
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
Randomize
