my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
But if you were going to pour a liquid on your naked body in fall its definitely pumpkin inspired something.
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
Randomize
