wrigley field is MILF paradise
i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Randomize
