i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
I feel like that xmas present negates everything we were taught as little girls. Putting out DOES pay. God bless us everyone
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
Randomize
