You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
youre always welcome to strip dance on tables with me Mag. what are friends for.
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
