I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
just smoked a bowl with my history teacher. i love community college
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
Randomize
