My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Randomize
