I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Randomize
