when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
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