Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
You want a summary? Scottish women that start drinking at 7 am. Cherries soaked in moonshine. Japanese beer. Old men smoking stuff that I'm pretty sure is illegal here and in Japan. One is doing a karaoke striptease. There's your summary.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
Randomize
