My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
Randomize
