haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
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