Blackout barefoot maybe pregnant
Good decisions....
Just got blue box Mac and cheese things are looking up
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
You have to summon your inner elephant
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
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