There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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