Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
People with herpes should wear stickers.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
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