Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
